Vengeance With A Kiss
by SarcasticDamsels
Summary: This story is also on my other penname (one of my popular ones) but this is the GOLD EDITION! Read to find out what the heck I mean by that.
1. My Little Explanation

Hello there The Hadshi Family Normal The Hadshi Family 1 4 2001-11-05T01:45:00Z 2001-11-05T01:49:00Z 1 1 1 9.2720 

Hello there!  This is "Vengeance With A Kiss", also on my other penname, GOLD EDITION!  Isn't it great?  I know you're all so excited.  I've removed the author's notes and corrected some little mistakes I hadn't caught before.  Perhaps I'll add an alternate ending, too… Bwahaha.  So read, review, and ENJOY!!

~EnglishBrat, SarcasticDamsel #2.


	2. Pranks

James Potter could not stifle a snicker as he carefully set the dungbomb in Lily Evans' bed The Hadshi Family Normal The Hadshi Family 2 5 2001-11-05T01:44:00Z 2001-11-05T01:44:00Z 6 1490 8498 70 16 10436 9.2720 

***

James Potter could not stifle a snicker as he carefully set the dungbomb in Lily Evans' perfectly made bed.  Behind him, an equally gleeful Sirius Black nudged his back with whispers of "hurry up!" while smirking and looking around the girls' dorm with barely suppressed interest. And finally, Remus Lupin, standing guard at the portrait hole, watched anxiously everywhere at once, with worried mutters about "things blowing up in your face."  Remus had always been the worry rat of the group.

James checked the bomb one last time, making sure it would go off at 9:00 PM - Little-miss-perfect never missed her bedtime by a second – and spun around, expecting to see Sirius' happy face.

Cold green eyes met his.  

"James Potter," Lily said quietly, shaking her head. "Dear, dear James.  Do you really think me that unaware?  Don't answer that!" she added sharply, noticing his half-open mouth. " It's rather hard not to think that you're up to something when Sirius tells the whole school"- James shot Sirius a baleful look, which was studiously ignored-"or when Remus looks around as though expecting a Dementor to leap up behind him and perform the Kiss." Remus who had entered the room, blushed furiously and mumbled something, but Lily did not stop. "So.  The question now is: What shall I do with you?"

James, who had somehow ended up sitting on the bed – wasn't it amazing how women managed to look inches taller when they were angry? – cast her his most defiant glance, daring her to do her worst.  At this, she burst out laughing, and his face darkened even more.

"Aww, widdle Jamsie is a widdle scawed!" she said teasingly. 

She had become totally unaware of Sirius, still behind her, and Remus, wringing his hands.  Sirius looked at James and winked, a rueful look on his face.  James wondered what he was up to, but he had no doubt it would get them into even deeper trouble than they already were.  

". . . then, after I report you to Dumbledore, I'll need to teach you a little lesson myself . . ." Lily continued in a lecturing tone, completely oblivious to the devious boy behind her.

Sirius pulled out his wand as slowly as humanly possible so he didn't make any noise to remind Lily of his being there.  He pointed it at her back and whispered, "Dishabirimius."

Lily's eyes popped open, and outrage painted her every feature.  Remus, shocked, had buried his red face in his hands and was whimpering fitfully about getting killed by a redheaded female.  Sirius had dropped to the floor and was clutching his sides, laughing uncontrollably.

James was as stunned as Lily.  She stood in front of him, clad only in her bra and underwear, with her mouth dropped open.  Come to think of it, though, James thought as he cocked his head, she didn't look half bad.  She had quite some curves, for a girl that age, and . . . 

"You'll regret this, Potter.  I swear you will," Lily said in icy tones, gathering her robes in front of her.

James only grinned and hopped off the bed before she could say more.  Remus had already gone, and Sirius had somehow managed to roll down the stairs while laughing.  He could hear faint moans of pain getting louder as he neared the common room.  He smirked and rubbed his hands.  Humiliation was always better than a physical prank.  Always.

                                                            ***

Lily dropped onto her bed, infuriated.  _How_ Sirius had learned that spell was the one thing she really wanted to know. Because where there was one spell, there were others.  Oh, yes there were.  And she would find them.  James was going to pay for doing this to her, even if it had not been public humiliation.  

She snatched another robe from her closet and yanked it on before proceeding to brushing her hair, her mind working furiously.  Obviously no teacher could have possibly taught him that spell, and she didn't think Sirius had somehow invented a new spell.  The very notion was ridiculous.  It was Sirius, after all.  So, boring down the possibilities, that left a book.  Sirius must have bought a book of prank spells.

The question now was how to get to that book.  Oh, she could sneak in, but she knew how creaky those chests were, and James was a very light sleeper.  She had found that out the hard way.  No.  After all, Lily Evans was not all smiles for the teachers and perfect grades.  She did have a devious side. What she needed was for someone to give her the book, so she would not have to through this business of snooping around.  And she knew just the person.

                                                            ***

"You want _me _to get you the book Sirius used for that spell?" Remus asked incredulously.  "Why?"

"Why?" Lily asked in a slow, sultry voice. "Why?  Because, sweet Remus, you don't mean to tell me you're going to let Sirius and James get away with what they did, do you?"  She hopped from the cushy sofa she had been sitting on and sat on Remus' lap, which in truth made him feel quite uncomfortable.  She looked up at him through long lashes and stuck out her bottom lip slightly. "Please, Remus?  I know you had no part in it; I trust you.  Don't you think what they did was wrong?"

"Well, yeah," Remus answered, shifting uncomfortably. "It's just . . "

"That they're your friends?  And you don't want to betray them?"

"Er. . . yeah, I guess you could say that . . ."

Lily snuggled up against his chest and sighed softly.  Remus was beginning to panic.

"Remus, Remus, Remus.  You're _not _betraying them, or going behind their backs.  You're just doing me a little favor."  She reached up and stroked the side of his neck softly, giving him goosebumps, and whispered, "Please?"

Remus couldn't stand it anymore.  It wasn't that he didn't like having a girl on his lap - she felt nice, in fact – but this was Lily!  Unfortunately, he had the feeling she wouldn't back down until he agreed.

"Alright," he sighed, "I'll do it!"

"Ooh, I knew you would," Lily cooed.

With a pat on the cheek and a kiss on his nose, she gracefully stood up and walked slowly to her room, hips swaying.

Remus scrubbed a nervous hand through his hair and exhaled slowly.  Did women learn to do that in their cradles?  He could feel his heartbeat beginning to slow, and his breath becoming rhythmical again, but he knew they had been racing for some time because of her.

He stood up and shook out his legs, then took another deep breath before walking unsteadily towards his room.  

                                                            ***

James and Sirius were already sitting on James' bed when Remus arrived, talking rapidly about what they should do next with the famed prank book.  

" I still say we use this one," Sirius said, obviously not for the first time. " 'After this spell has been recited, the person will passionately love the person she hates the most for one full day.' Can you imagine perfect Lily Evans hounding some poor wretch the whole day? It'll be hilarious!"

James sighed.  "Sirius, how many times do I have to tell you how easily that could backfire?  What if the person she hates the most is _me_?"

"All the better!  We could totally humiliate her in front of the whole school, and she won't even care!  . . . Until later."

James blinked and opened his mouth, then noticed the shape ambling into the room. 

"Remus!" he exclaimed. "Where have you been?  The last time I saw you, you were in the common room with Lily Evans" – he managed to put a considerable amount of spite into those two words – "and that was an hour ago!"

Remus looked around anxiously, looking very much like a mouse cornered by a cat, and stammered excuses.

"Well, uh, you see, Lily, she . . .er, well, see, she wanted to, um, yell at me for . . . for what happened, and . . ."

"And you let yourself get caught!" Sirius finished with a laugh. "I swear, the only way to get out of a lecture from her is to slip away when she stops to breathe!"

Remus nodded, looking considerably relieved, and asked Sirius what James thought was a rather odd question coming from Remus' mouth.

"Say, Sirius, do you mind if I borrow that book when you guys are finished with it?  I'd like to read it before I fall asleep . . ."

Sirius waved it off, intent on the book.

"Sure thing, Remus.  But seriously, now.  What do _you_ think of this spell?"

                                                                *** 

Lily laughed softly to herself and rubbed her hand together.  It had worked like a charm.  She had doubted Remus would fall for her "playgirl" attitude, but apparently she had been wrong.  She allowed herself another giggle before entering the room she shared with two others, Becca and Kat.

As soon as she entered, Becca leaped up from her spot on her bed, Kat not far behind.

"Where have you been?!" she demanded, hugging her. "I haven't seen you since yesterday!"

"Yeah," added Kat. "You're not . . . you're not…_losing_ us, are you?"

Lily felt guilty not telling them where she had been.  They _were_ her friends, after all.

"Of course no!  I've just been a little . . .busy."

"Ooooh, I know what that means!" Becca squealed. "James did something again, didn't he?  Didn't he?"

"Do tell!" Kat added.

They all sat on their beds while Lily told them everything.  About noticing Remus' sudden avoidance of her and frequent hand wringing all the way to Sirius' wretched spell.

"So now," she concluded, "I have to get back at them."

"And you're going to use that book?" Kat asked. "Brilliant!  Absolutely brilliant!"

"You'll let us help, right?  Right?" Becca added excitedly.

"Of course I'll let you in on it!  This isn't the sort of thing one does alone!"

They giggled agreement and shifted on the beds.

"So when is 'dear sweet Remus' bringing this book?" Kat asked, always the practical one.

"He said he should be able to bring it around midnight, when James and Sirius are asleep.

"In that case, maybe we sleep.  It's another"-she glanced quickly at the alarm clock on the nightstand-"two hours or so until he comes."

Becca grinned. "Hopefully the lovesick idiot will have the sense to wake us up; he probably won't be able to breathe when he sees Lily!"

This provoked a new fit of giggles that only died away completely when everyone was in bed and the lamps turned off.

Lily was just about to fall asleep when Kat mumbled drowsy question.

"Lily?"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you want to get back at Sirius instead of James?"

"Go to sleep, Kat.  It's late . . ."

                                                                        ***


	3. Light Sleepers

***

Remus nervously felt the heavy, leather-bound book on his pillow for what seemed the fiftieth time.  He could tell Sirius was already asleep, judging by the sound of fifty pigs around an apple coming from behind his curtains.  He was not sure about James, though.  Sirius' snoring drowned out all other sounds, so he could not judge by slow breathing.

Sweating buckets, he glanced at the clock on his nightstand.  11:59.  Lily was probably expecting him by now.

The thought of her brought new beratings of himself.  Why _did I let her twine me around her finger like that?  I can't betray James and Sirius like this!  _Lily's voice rang in his ears, though. _It's not betraying, it's doing me a favor._

Remus sighed.  He had, promised, after all.  Remus Lupin did not go back on his promises.  

He decided that he would just have to go for it.  He waited for Sirius to exhale before scrambling out of bed, paused, then quickly padded to the door at his next breath.  One more had him opening the door and heading outside.

He leaned against the door for a moment, just to be sure no one had heard him – unlikely, with Sirius – before striding towards the girls' dorm.

Reaching it, he wondered if he should knock.  Then he pictures Lily's head when he woke her up.  He pushed the door open with a sigh.

He immediately picked out Lily's bed – flaming red hair was hard to miss, even in the moonlight.  He tiptoed over to it and set the book down between her bed and another girl's he did not know very well.  Lily stirred and mumbled something, and her eyes flicked open.

                                                            *** 

Lily awoke to a very pale-looking Remus.  

"Finally," she mumbled, trying to blink the graininess out of her eyes.

Remus picked the book off the floor and shoved it into her hands.

"You _never _talked to me.  Got it?"

Lily smiled. 

"Whatever, you want, Remus.  Now go to bed before James notices you're sleeping.  I don't think Sirius will"-she paused to let the faint sounds of snoring become known-"but James might."

Remus nodded quickly and slunk out of the room.  Almost, Lily thought, like a wolf.

She set the book down on her pillow and got up to wake the others.  They wouldn't want to miss this.

Kat awakened immediately, her hair in perfect order and her eyes not the slightest bit bleary-eyed.

Becca, however, was another matter.

"Becca!" Lily whispered as loudly as she could afford.

"Whaaaaaat?" Becca replied in a muffled whiny voice.

"Becca, get up!  We have the book!" Lily said, shaking her roughly.

"Sto-o-o-op!  I don't wanna _be _half a look, whatever that means!" She snuggled deeper into her blankets.

Lily exchanged exasperated looks with Kat.  Kat smiled slightly, and made a pushing motion in the air.  Lily giggled and nodded.

"On three," she whispered.

"One . . ."

"Two . . ."

"Three!"

Becca collapsed on the floor with a grunt, then leaped up to her feet.

"That was unnecessary!" she shrieked.  "Just because I don't want to looks at the . . ."

Suddenly her eyes went wide and she covered her mouth.  Too late.  

James, the light sleeper Remus said he was, could be heard scrambling down the stairs.

Lily shot a daggered look at Becca, blushed and wrung her hands.

"What are we going to do?" she wailed. "What are we going to do? What are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!"

"We're going to shut up," Kat said firmly. "It's just James, after all."

Lily nodded and hopped in bed, hiding the book under her pillow.  

"As far as he's concerned, we've been sleeping the whole time!" she hissed.  "Now shut up!" 

The footsteps stopped by the door.

                                                                        ***

James stopped by the girl's dorm, slightly hesitant, before pushing open the door.  He was sure he had heard one of them scream.

Poking his head inside, he noticed nothing out of the ordinary.  Just three girls, sleeping . . . Wait.  His head swiveled back to the one on the left.  Why was she sleeping on the floor?  

He walked in the rest of the way.

"Lily?"

An exceptionally loud snore that would have done Sirius proud answered him.

"I know you're awake," he said tentatively.

Another snore.  Or was it a snort?

"Who screamed?"

He thought the girl on the left giggled.  Well, that answered his question.

"Why?"

"That's none of your business, mophead!" was the biting response.

"Oh yeah?" he retorted. "Well, I can make it my business if I can hear it all the way in my room, carrot hair!"

Lily sat up and faced him.  With her disheveled hair, bleary eyes, and furious grimace, she looked absolutely horrendous.

"It's.  None.  Of.  Your.  Business,"  Lily repeated in a much too quiet tone. "So, unless you plan on leaving a very short life, I strongly recommend you leave right now, without another word."

So, she thought she could threaten him, did she?  She didn't who she was talking to.

"Excuse me, miss huffy, but . . ."

He barely had time to widen his eyes when a furious red fireball whammed into him.

                                                            ***

Lily pounded James with her fists, as hard as she could, emphasizing her thoughts with them.  _He _–pound- _will not _–pound- _insult _–pound- _me _–pound.

Suddenly, she realized that at her last attempt at hitting him, she had missed.  James was sitting on top of her, neatly pinning her arms to the ground.  She noticed, with some satisfaction, that his left eye was starting to puff out.  

"Don't.  Do that," James said softly.

She contented herself with a snarl, and struggled to break free.  She couldn't, of course.  James was a lot stronger than she.

Seeing her attempts at escape were futile, she looked to her friends for help.  Becca was snoring loudly, and Kat was writing down in a notepad, of all things!

Her right eye twitched furiously, as it always id when she was angry.

"You let me go right now, Potter, or I swear I will make you sorry for the rest of your miserable life!"

"Is that a threat?" he asked insolently.

Lily bared her teeth and tried to kick him, but he was firmly sitting on her legs.  Gently, ever so gently, he picked her up – with irritating ease – and set her down on her bed with a malevolent grin.  

"Sweet dreams, carrot."

***


	4. Turning The Tables

***

Lily stared icily at James' back as he turned and swaggered through the door, mentally turning him into a salamander.  It seemed fitting for one as annoying as him.

"Well," she said in frosty tones, "let's get to that revenge, shall we?"

She stepped on Becca's stomach, producing a loud "oomf!" and a mumble about getting up, before slipping the book out from under the covers.

She sat crossed legged on her bed and waited for her two friends to join her before opening the book to its index.

"Let's see," she said, scanning the page. "Curses . . .no . . .. spells . . .that won't do . . .. bathroom jokes . . .ick . . ."

"What are you looking for?" Kat asked.

Lily sighed and cocked her head upwards.

"I'm not really sure.  I want something where they'll know I did it, but they won't be able to prove it."

"Ooo, devious!" Becca put in, leaning over the book.

"Hmmm . . . how about a potion?  That way, you could mix it in with something, have him drink it, and then . . ." Kat finished with a sly smile.

"That's brilliant, Kat!" Lily exclaimed, hugging her friend. "Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you."

Kat just smiled and glanced over the memo book she had left lying on her nightstand.  

"Neither do I . . . ." she said quietly.

Lily scanned the page with Becca and didn't notice her last statement.

"Hey, look!" Becca suddenly exclaimed. "There's a bookmark here!"

"Yeah, there is . . . .It must be the next prank James and his 'buddies' are planning for you, Lily!" Kat said.

Lily smiled thinly.

"So. They want to mess with me, do they? I'll show them." 

She flipped to the page that had been bookmarked and read aloud:

" 'After this spell has been recited, the person will passionately love the person she hates the most for one full day.'"

"That's great!" Becca squealed.  "You'll have him _at your feet_!"

Lily smiled and looked to Kat.  Her brainy friend nodded her consent and grinned.

"Ok, it says it's a spell, but it's actually a spell that you put on a potion, so here's what we'll do . . ."

She was going to make that James Potter pay.

                                                                        ***

The next day, during breakfast, James noticed that Lily was talking an awful lot to her two friends.  And looking in his direction when they thought he wouldn't notice.

"They're planning something," he muttered. "I just know it."

Sirius snorted loudly and put down his fork.

"Them??  Planning something?  Ha!  James, James, James.  When will you learn?  First of all, they're _girls_.  Their idea of revenge is probably pouting when they think you aren't looking!  Second, it's Lily.  She wouldn't break a rule if her life depended on it!  A third, my four-eyed friend, anything they do, we can countercurse with the book."

At mention of the prank book, Remus grew distinctly pale and cringed slightly in his seat.

"The book," James said flatly. "Where is the book?"

Remus looked around nervously.  

"I . . .well . . .it's upstairs.  I'll get it after breakfast . . ."

James sighed and pushed his scrambled eggs around on his plate, not in the mood to eat.  Sirius, however, was scarfing down everything he could find.

"Mfames?" he asked between a mouthful of pasta (much to James' and Remus' disgust). "Horchwtch dchoo get thath black eye?"

James picked the strands of angel hair off his robes before answering flatly.

"I tripped."

Sirius sloshed some water into his mouth and closed it.  It was all James could do not to turn away at the site of a huge bulge in his throat when he swallowed.  Sirius could be repulsive, sometimes.  Well, most of the time.

"You tripped.  Onto a fist?"

James grimaced and looked for an answer – by now Remus was looking at him interestedly – when Lily and her friends stepped in front of him.

"Good morning, Potter," she said coolly.

"Good morning, _Evans_," he mimicked in a whiny nasal voice.

Lily crossed her arms but said nothing, Becca, for some reason, was staring icicles into him, and Kat was frantically scribbling in a small notebook.  

"Good morning, Sirius, Remus," Lily continued in that regal tone, completely ignoring him. "I trust you had a good night's rest?"

Sirius grinned like an idiot and eyed her up and down; she did not seem to mind.  Remus looked abashed, of all things, and even mumbled a meek "Yes, Lily."

This was too much.  James stood up, eyes blazing, a placed his fists on the table, leaning close to her face.

"Now look here, Evans.  I don't know what you're doing, but stop it.  Stop it now.  Whatever you're trying to do to me, I can to ten times worse, so stop.  For your own good."

She arched a cool eyebrow and looked at him, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Now, now, dear Jamsie, if you lean any closer, I'll think you might want to kiss me!" she laughed at this, and Kat scribbled faster than ever. "Maybe we'll talk again later.  Until then, don't try any tricks with me!"

She patted his cheek as though he were some sort of pet dog who had done well and sashayed over to the table they had been sitting at, Kat and Becca hard on her heels - after a sharp sniff for him.

His eyes nearly popped out of his head.  

"She doesn't know what she's playing at," he mumbled, looking to his friends for support.

Sirius looked somewhat dream, though his gaze was directed on Becca instead of Lily.  Remus seemed very intent on picking little pieces of lint of his coat.

James grit his teeth.  He could not believe this.  

"Sirius!" he hollered in Sirius' ear.

Sirius jumped a foot in the air, yelping, and snapped back to the present.

"Owwwwww!!!! What'd you do that for, James?  Geez!  A guy can't even check someone out without his friend . . ." he dragged off, noticing James' twitching hands and throbbing vein in his temple.  "Ah . . . hey, buddy, ol' pal!  You won't let Lily get to you like that by saying . . . .erm . . .what _did _she say?"

"It's not important," James said, making an effort not to make his voice rise above normal level. "What _is _important is that you – you! – are goggling at her friends!"

He made the word "friends" sound very much like "vipers" somehow.

"Yeah," Sirius said, grinning again. "That Becca, she's a hot one.  Not that Lily is bad, of course, just a little too prickly for me.  Do you think she likes me, James?  I just know I felt sparks fly . . ." he ended with a dreamy sigh.

James threw his hands up and looked at Remus.

"And you?  I suppose you've also fallen for her."

Remus concentrated on his nails.

"Well, not Becca . . . she's too . . . uh . . . excitable"-producing a snort from Sirius-" But Kat . . .She's got something . . .. She's . . ."

He blushed, not able to talk about these things as easily as Sirius, who was currently chanting, "Remus has a girlfriend!  Remus has a girlfriend!"

James scowled and stood up.  

"Tell me when you've come to your senses; I'll be in the library."

***


	5. Another Reason

***

Lily allowed herself a smug smirk as she walked back to her table, Kat and Becca hard on her heels.

Kat grinned mischievously.

"Phase one of plan: check."

Becca giggled.

"This is so much fun!  I had no idea annoying James could be so easy!  And then there's his friends, of course.  Especially Sirius . . .  He's sooo cute when he gets in trouble!" she sighed.

Lily missed a step.

"What?!  _Sirius_?  The idiot who doesn't care about anyone's feelings? _That _Sirius?" she said incredulously.

"She's right, Becca.  Sirius is nothing but a troublemaker who shouldn't be befriended!  Remus, though . . ." Kat bit her lip, as if having said too much.

Lily goggled.

"You too?!  What is wrong with my friends?!"

Kat and Becca just smiled at one another, knowing exactly how the other felt.  Lily threw up her hands and shook her head.

"You know what?  I don't think I can take this much longer," she said, adding a gagging noise for good measure.  "I'll be in the library in case you guys come to your senses!"

She stalked off, leaving her two giggling friends sneaking glances at Sirius and Remus, who were doing their best to look as if they didn't notice.

                                                            ***

James sat in the library, wondering what he could possibly do – besides read, anyway.  He picked up a book on a shelf nearby and opened it to a random page.  

_Sirius and Remus had better not be serious! _He thought to himself while flipping through the book.  _They'll give everything away to stupid Becca and Kat!  Lovesick idiots._

He heard footsteps and looked up; not many people came into the library during the Christmas holidays. _Except the ones who've been abandoned by their friends,_ he thought wryly.

None other than Lily Evans walked into the room, bristling like a cat doused with water.

Her green eyes shot icicles around the room and her hands had her robes in a white-knuckled grip.

_Well, well,_ James thought, smiling, _It looks like some unlucky soul got her on her bad side.  . . .Probably me,_ He added as an afterthought.

Lily caught sight of him and gave a start, then narrowed her eyes to slits.  James laughed.

"Well, Lily dear, has someone stepped on your tail?" 

"You!  I knew it!  You cast a spell on them!  Didn't you?  Didn't you?!  Admit it, rat-boy!" she bellowed, earning a sharp look from the librarian.  

James decided to play along.  If she thought he had cast a spell on whomever, he might as well use it.

"Well of course I did!  That didn't just happen by itself, did it?  I told you not to mess with me, Evans."

Her hand twitched towards her wand, but she stilled it and set it on top of the other.

"Well, _Potter_, perhaps who would like to _grace _us with a countercurse."

It was not a question, it was a demand.  From someone who knew it would be fulfilled.

"Oh, I don't think so.  There is none."

Right eye twitching, she stepped forward quickly – reaching him in three strides - grabbed both his cheeks (A/n: his _face _cheeks, you sick people!) and pulled them opposite ways, making James look very much like a frog.

"What. Did you say?"

James smiled at her; or tried to, with his stretched out face.  He then pulled out his wand and poked her right in the stomach.

"_Gonflurimus!_" he shouted when she let go of his face in surprise.

He smiled as the spell began to take effect.  Lily seemed to have a little more baby fat than usual.  And more.  And more.  And more.

She puffed up like a balloon until she could no longer have gotten out he door.  

"I'll get you for this!" she shrieked.  "I swear, I will!"

James just snickered and slipped out the door.

                                                                   ***

That Night 

Lily sat in her pajamas with her two friends and a potion in her hands, hammering out the final details of the "master plan".

"Ok, so tomorrow, you two walk over and get Sirius'" – Becca giggled – "Remus'" – Kat giggled – "and James' attention.  Do whatever you need to do, just make sure they don't turn around until I'm ready!"  This brought sly winks and nudges from Becca and Kat.

Lily rolled her eyes and continued.

"_Anyway_!  While their backs are turned, I'll put this potion into James' glass.  He drinks it, falls in love, bla, bla, bla.  All clear?"

"Clear as glass, captain!"  Becca exclaimed with a mock salute.

"Right.  Anyway, I made the potion after Madam Pomfrey released me from the hospital wing, so now all we have to do is charm it.  Would our expert charmer, Kat, please step up to the podium?" she said grandiosely with flourishing gestures.

Kat smiled and pulled out her wand.

"Okay, I studied this all last night.  It's kind of elaborate, you know.  The potion should turn bright pink after the spell; that's how we make sure it works."

Becca and Lily nodded impatiently and Kat took a deep breath.

"Okay, here goes!  _Haisen daisen amur nut, hajene noop!_"

She swirled her wand elaborately – wand movements were just as important as the spell in charms – and finally pointed it at the blue potion.  

They all stared at it as it bubbled up, swirled around, and finally, with a slight "pop," it turned pink.

Becca squealed loudly, Kat let out a breath she did not know she had been holding, and Lily grinned like mad chesire cat.

"Tomorrow," she said happily, "he'll pay!"

***


	6. Distractions

***

The Evening of the Next Day 

Kat and Becca sat on Lily's bed, trying to decide what to do to divert the three marauders' attention (Lily had gone to the library to "let them think," which had brought mad scribbling from Kat.)

"Well," Becca said with a slightly "out-there" look on her face, "I sure know what _I'd _like to do to 'divert' Sirius' attention!"

Kat made excessive gagging noises and pretended to strangle herself.

"Becca!  Gross!  Now you've got a mental picture in my head!  Yeck!" she gave a shudder before continuing. "What _I _think we should do is get the whole school's attention instead of just Sirius and Remus.  And James.  That way, _no one _can tell that Lily was the one who put the potion in James's drink!"

Becca sighed regretfully.

"If we must . . . ."

"Glad you agree," Kat said sarcastically. "Now, I was thinking about this all last night, and I think I have a good idea."

Becca leaned forward excitedly, all notions of Sirius forgotten – for now.

"What we do," Kat continued, "is we divert their attention by pretending to be someone else.  I don't know about you, but I don't really feel like getting detention for the next two weeks."  Becca nodded impatiently, and Kat continued in a satisfied tone.  "So, we'll be impersonating Lucius and Severus."

Becca gasped, eyes widening.

"Lucius and Severus?!  Are you out of your mind?!  They'll kill us if we even pretend to pretend to pretend to pretend being them!!"

Kat waved a hand, dismissing it as unimportant.

"I'm not done, Becca."  

She sneaked a look around then, even though there was no one, leaned in close and whispered into Becca's ear.  Becca's eyes widened, and her face broke out into a grin.  By the end of Kat's little "plan", both girls were heaped on the bed, laughing hysterically.

"That," Becca said between sharp breaths of air, wiping a tear off her cheek, "was brilliant."

Kat allowed herself one more grin before continuing in a business-like manner.  She never let herself get too carried away.

"Ok, we'll need a couple things for this to work."  She leaned over to her bed and pulled out a clipboard, touching each item on the list lightly as she spoke. "First, James's cloak.  That's the most important.  We'll also need some explodeepofs – I already got some from Zonko's – and costumes, of course.  Do you think we should have music?"

"Naw, I'm sure we'll be making enough noise by ourselves," Becca grinned.

" I guess you're right.  So let's review.  We have explodeepofs and costumes already, so all we need is James' cloak."

"Um . . .Kat?"

"What?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Uh . . . no . . . I don't think so, anyway.  Am I?"

"Duh!  How do we look like Lucius and Severus?"

"Oh, that!  Not to worry, my dear Becca!  I've got it all taken care of!"

Becca arched her eyebrows.

"Reaaaaaally?"

"Yes, reaaaaaally!  Here, I'll show you."

She pulled out what looked like a small brown piece of folded paper.

"This," she explained, "is an expando-closet."

She set the paper-like object on the floor and tapped it once with her wand.  Becca gasped as the thing began to unfold repeatedly, finally ending up in a sturdy wood closet that reached her hips.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. "That's cool!"

Kat shrugged modestly and opened its lightly carved doors, revealing a large assortment of objects – including, much to Becca's delight, several pictures of Remus.

Kat's hand hovered over the various items, stopping now and then to peer at the labels beneath them.  Finally, she gave a small "aha!" and pulled out a vial of . . .stuff from the back of the closet.

"Polyjuice potion!" she exclaimed triumphantly.

Becca gaped, blinking several times as though trying to register what she was seeing.

"_Polyjuice Potion_???? Kat, how in the world did you . . . What . . .how . . .?"

She stuttered off, completely at loss for words.  Kat smiled – rather smugly, Becca thought – and explained it to her while gesturing with the potion.

"It's a long story, really.  Maybe I'll explain it to you someday we have more time."

"You better!"

"Yeah, yeah.  Anyway, now, our only problems are how to get a part of Lucius and Severus into the potion and how to get them out of the way – since we don't want them there when we appear with their faces."

"Of course . . . ."

"Any ideas?"

"Well, I'm not sure this'll help, but . . . I know they both will do anything to get some chocolate.  Which is weird, really, since they're incredibly creepy guys.  Who would've thought they'd like something normal like chocolate?"

A wicked grin split Kat's face in half.

"Splendid," she murmured.

                                                            ***

Half an hour later 

__

Becca slammed all her weight on the closet door while Kat locked it with a small key that fit most anywhere.  Angry shouts and bangs on the door from the two Slytherins could barely be heard unless they pressed their ear to the door.

"That," she breathed, "was close."

Kat smiled and pocketed the key, motioning her friend to join her walk down the hall.

"Yes it was, but, dammit, it's gonna be worth it!"

"Kat!"

"What?"

"You swore!"

"So?"

"Well . . . you never swear, that's all . . ."

Kat rolled her eyes as they reached the portrait hole.

"Wrinkled skin," they said in unison.

"What? Oh, yes, my dears.  Please, hop right in," the Fat Lady answered, waving an absent-minded hand.

Kat and Becca made their way down the hallway quietly, trying to see if there was anyone there.

Their nerves released somewhat when they entered an empty common room.

"Ok," Kat whispered – it was so quiet, it only seemed natural, "now for the cloak."

They crept up the stairs to the boys' dormitories and opened the door quietly, stealing quick glances left and right.

When the room proved empty, they still walked on tiptoe – and still every single floorboard creaked – until they reached James' bed.

Becca knelt over the large chest at the foot of the dark four-poster bed.  It was locked.

Kat looked at it, smiled, and waved her little key in the air.  Becca smiled in return and snatched it from her hand.

Suddenly, footsteps were heard.  Faint at first, but growing louder by the second.  And definitely heading towards them.  Kat made a grimace and waved Becca on, urging her to go faster.

Becca jiggled the key frantically in the small keyhole.  The footsteps came up the stairs. 

The lid of the chest popped open with a slight "click" and Becca dove in to find the cloak.  Barely a second later, she held the silvery piece of cloth out triumphantly.

Kat snatched the cloak out of her hand, snapped the lid shut, and quickly spread the cloak between the two of them.

The door creaked open.

                                                            ***

Sirius sang to himself as he stepped into the boys' dormitories.  

"Oh, we've got this notion that we'd quite like to sail the ocean doo da doo da da dum da da doo da da dum . . ."

He threw himself onto his bed and pulled out a book labeled "diary" from underneath the mattress.

"Ho hum . . . Let's see here, October 20, 1971 . . . dungbombs in the girls' bathroom . . .my best moment .  .  . January 1st, 1972 . . . 'successfully released one thousand newts, frogs, and toads into the common room.  School closed for an extra two days.' Ha!"

He flipped to a blank page and dipped his quill in ink.

"Hmm . . . Ok, so today is . . ."

He paused and looked around.  There was no one there.  Except . . .He was sure he had closed that door . . . and he could have sworn he had felt . . .

He reached up to his cheek and rubbed his finger on it.

When he took it down to look at it, it was red with lipstick.  Sirius blinked, trying to put two and two together.

                                                                        ***

Becca plopped down on her bed and clutched a hand to her chest.

"Oh my god!  For a minute there, I thought we were toast!  I heard footsteps, and the key didn't work, and . . ." she dragged off, closing her eyes and flopping down on her back.

"I still think it was perfectly unnecessary for you to go up and kiss Sirius.  Kiss him!  In front of me!  I've never been more disgusted in my _life_!" Kat muttered grumpily.

"Aww, come on, Kat!"  Becca laughed, rotating herself so she leaned on her elbow.  "He was so cute lying there!  I couldn't help it!"

Kat snorted and crossed her arms.

"Well, Ka-at . . ." Becca said teasingly, "what would you have done if it had been Reeee-muuuuus?"

Kat flushed, and she mumbled halfheartedly about getting caught, but Becca knew she had won the argument.

"Ok, so now that we have our plan, perhaps we should notify Lily?"

"Of course," Kat agreed with relief, glad Becca had let the matter lie.

                                                                        ***

"So let me get this straight," Lily said in an exasperated voice. "You have a plan – a great on, from the way you guys are all excited about it – that involves James' cape, Lucius and Severus, of all people, explodeepofs, and costumes.  Am I missing something?"

"Nope," Becca grinned.

"So remember, all you have to do tomorrow morning is be under their table by ten o'clock – that's when they usually have breakfast.  At ten fifteen, we'll arrive with the . . . distraction."

She and Becca exchanged glances, and they both snickered.

"Oh," Kat, said, pulling out her memo pad, can you tell me what happened when you went to the library yesterday?"

Lily gave her a quizzical look, but told her all about it, from James' spell on the two of them – she noticed Becca and Kat look at each other in an odd way _again_! – to the horrid curse he put on her.  Kat listened through it intently, all the time writing everything in handwriting that was impossible to read upside down (or right-side up, for that matter.)

                                                            ***

_The Next Morning (about 10:00)_

Lily sat on the grimy floor, huddled into herself, grinding her teeth and sweating buckets at a time.  Thank god the Hogwarts tables had the long tablecloths on top of them.  She had sneaked out and settled herself there at five in the morning, to make sure no one caught her.  She glanced at her watch again.

10:12.

She prayed Becca and Kat would arrive soon.  She was not sure she could stand much more of staring at James' feet.

                                                            ***

Kat looked at her watch.

"Ten o'clock," she announced to Becca, sitting on the bed next to her.

"Okay . . ."

Kat poured out enough of the potion for each of them, put a silvery blond hair in one and a pitch black one in the other, then raised her glass.

"Cheers."

"Cheers."

They gulped down the potion.

For a couple seconds, nothing happened.  Then their features started to change.  Very slightly, at first, then more and more until they finally ended up looking like Snape and Lucius.  

Becca gaped when she looked into the mirror, but Kat only gave a satisfied nod and set about putting on her costume, Becca following shortly afterwards.

When they had finally completed decking themselves out in their outfits, Kat looked to Becca and asked, in a slightly trembling voice, for a surprise,

"Ready?"

"Ready."

They draped the cape over themselves and made their way down to the Great Hall, explodeepofs filling their pockets.

                                                            ***

_Any minute now,_ Lily thought nervously. _Oh god, hurry up!_

***

Becca and Kat padded up the stairs to the stage and positioned themselves so they faced the "audience."

"Ready?"  Kat whispered.

"Ready!" Becca said fiercely.

They pulled out about half of the explodeepofs and threw them on the ground, throwing off the cape at the same time.

They were enveloped in a cloud of green and purple, giving Becca time to stuff the cape into a pouch sewed into her costume.  The smoke dissipated, and Kat stepped forward.

                                                            ***

Lily gave a start as she heard a loud "pop!" _The explodeepofs,_ she thought grimly.  She saw the three marauders swivel around to look at the stage.  She would have to wait a bit longer to make sure their attention was well and truly captured . . .

                                                            ***

Kat stepped through the smoke and threw back the large red cape that had been covering her under the invisibility cloak, revealing an elaborate pirate costume, complete with eye patch.  She thrust her hand in front of her and bellowed as loud as she could,

"FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARO!!!"

By now, all eyes were riveted on her.  She began to sing, Becca joining her soon after she started.

"THE GRASSHOPPER WENT TO TOOOOOOOOWNNNN!! TO FETCH A BUCKET OF GRAAAAAAAAAAAAASS!  THE ANTS WENT WITH THE GRAAAAAAAASSHOOOOOOOPPER . . ."

                                                                        ***

Becca stepped after Kat as soon as she heard the end of her opening . . . song.  She wore a rather skimpy outfit, with baggy pants and a thin top like that girl Jasmine from the muggle story, Aladdin, she had heard about . . .

She joined Kat in her singing – it was complete random nonsense, just enough to divert everyone's attention – and frantically scanned the crowd for Lily.

After sweeping over the students once, she found her.  Lily gave them a huge thumbs up, then scampered off to sit at a table.

"EVERYBODY NOW!  OOOOOOOO, THE GRASSHOPPER WENT TO TOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!  THE GRASSHOPPER WENT TO TOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"

Becca nudged Kat, indicating that Lily had done her job.  Kat nodded slightly.

Becca danced around the stage – which looked decidedly odd on Lucius – and finally ended back in the middle, where Kat had already backed up.

"THE GRAAAAAAAAAASS!  HOPPEEEEEEEER!  LA LA LA LA LA!"

They put their feet next to each other and hit their toes together.  Once.  Twice.  Three times.  Throw.

They simultaneously threw down the explodeepofs – just in time, too; McGonagall was striding rapidly towards them – and covered themselves with the cape.

They managed, with some difficulty, to avoid the Professor without hitting her, and ran off to the Gryffindor common room.

                                                            ***

The Great Hall erupted with mock applause and laughter, James and his friends included.

McGonagall and the prefects "shush"ed everyone, with several threats of detention if they did not stop "encouraging those ruffians."

Eventually, the hubbub died down, and everyone turned back to their food.  The usual quiet babble of many tongues at once settled over the Hall.

James was about to shovel some more scrambled eggs into his mouth when he noticed a fiery head making itself towards him.  He put his foot down and waited for Lily to arrive.

"Hey, Potter," she spat.

James smiled sweetly.

"Don't eat too much, Lily!  We all know you have some weight problems."

Lily's eyes blazed, especially when Sirius snorted some orange juice through his nose and Remus spit out the food he had in his mouth.  He had not let them out of his glee.

She was still looking at them with great fury when Sirius leaned over James' food.

"Hey, hey!  What'cha got there?  Orange juice?  Oh good, I got grapefruit."

Without waiting for consent from James, he snatched up his glass and took a big gulp.

Lily's face drained of all color.

"Oh no," she whispered. "Oh no, oh no, oh no."

***


End file.
